My child's the shy one

MY CHILD’S THE SHY ONE

For some reason, shyness often appears to be an attribute that is regarded as a negative trait by many adults.  ‘Shyness’ tends to bring to mind images such as children desperately hiding behind adults’ legs; of people blushing furiously; of people not being able to meet the gaze of others; of children playing unhappily on their own.  When people refer to shyness they often precede the word with adjectives such as “crippling” “terribly”, “awfully”.  Adults attach a label of being shy to children as if somehow it is not worthy of celebration – and yet………..

Let’s look at it from from another perspective:

·      A child who is not shouting from the rooftops may, instead, be calmly observing what is happening, and learning about the environment as well as those around them. 

·      Could it be that a child who decides to play happily on their own rather, than be dictated to by others, is perhaps a child who already knows their own mind.  

·      A child who holds back rather, than jumping straight in, is potentially reflective and aware of risk.  

·      A child who doesn’t automatically call out answers, but instead pauses and reflects is a child who is already learning to respond rather than react to any given situation.  

·      As for listening – who doesn’t love the powerful feeling of being properly listened to and not interrupted – and what better preparation for being a fantastic listener, than being observant, thoughtful and patient?

 So, what is our issue with shyness?  Does it lie with an image that people have, of a happy child being one who rushes around making lots of noise, being constantly active, always being right in the mix of everything going on, surrounded by friends and seemingly constantly happy?   If so – perhaps we just need to take a fresh look at what it is that makes a child feel secure, confident and positive, full of self-belief and content in their own company as well as that of others.  

 As adults we need to be aware of the labels we inadvertently give out – once they are given out – they are hard to shrug off. 

 “Be careful, don’t drop this – you know how clumsy you are”.  This is never something adults would say to another adult – and yet this sort of remark is often heard by children about themselves.  It becomes self-fulfilling.

 “Oh my child won’t say hello, she’s terribly shy” – a remark, that as teachers, we would often hear when a child arrived at school.  Hearing this being said about themselves, makes it far more likely that a child will hold back from saying hello.

 So, if our own child is perceived as “shy”, either by others, or by ourselves – is there a point at which we should be concerned?  As parents, we know that one of the most important gifts we can give our children, is to accept them for who they are.  Shyness can better be described not as a character trait but rather an emotion that affects how a person feels and behaves around others.  It can mean feeling uncomfortable, self-conscious and on occasions, insecure. Just as one does with numerous emotions, we give our children coping tools.  As with any emotion – an issue only arises if the emotion starts preventing a child from being fully engaged and involved in their day to day activities.  

 Shyness though, should not be confused with a lack of confidence or self-belief. Many extroverts can also be shy, lack confidence and have low self-esteem - they just manifest these traits in different ways.  

 So in short – let’s re-frame and big up the quieter child; let’s make shyness a positive.

Photo credit - Yousef Espanioly