Re-framing and how it can help our children
WHAT DO WE MEAN BY RE-FRAMING?
What do we mean by re-framing and why is it such an important skill to learn, and one for our children to adopt early on, as part of their way of looking at the world?
Re-framing, in short, asks the question “Is there another way to look at this problem?” Re-framing provides an opportunity to reflect, to be kind and to be grateful – to ourselves as well as to others. When we challenge the way we see a problem, it allows us to change how we respond to a problem, and thus change the experience of that problem.
Let’s look at an example of this on a personal level. You’ve taken the plunge and applied for a job. In the end, you aren’t offered the position. Of course disappointment is high on the list of emotions that you will be feeling – and your emotions need acknowledging - BUT – and this is the reframing – you gave it a go – it may well be that this is the first time you have taken yourself out of your comfort zone for a long time. It may be that if you were honest, you weren’t quite qualified enough for the job role anyway. What you can do is pat yourself on the back, congratulate yourself for the things that you did do well along the way – such as the courage it took to apply in the first place, the actual interview that went well, the presentation that you dreaded, but still gave and which was well received, the excitement you felt about the possibility of working again or working in a new position. You can then look at what you have learned about yourself, decide on what you can do to put yourself in a better place to apply for other job offers another time and, importantly, you can then move on. Reframing allows us to avoid dwelling on negatives and on catastrophising that “this is the end of the road”, “we’ll never get a job”, “we’ve got nothing to offer”.
The same goes for our children. If they can see us doing the above, and talking them through what and how we are feeling, then they can see that this provides them with options in how they can then deal with issues that come up. So – they are really keen to take part in the school play – they have practised the lines, they have given it their all at the audition and yet it looks like the main roles have gone to other children. Do we go down the route of “This is just not fair” with our children and storm into school, shouting that this always happens and our children are never given a chance – or do we go down the route of reframing the experience with our children. If we concentrate on what has happened, perceiving it either as injustice or failure on the part or our children – rather than on the success of other children, our children take only negatives from the experience. Of course it is important for feelings such as disappointment, frustration and anger to be acknowledged – this must be an important part of the whole process. However, acceptance that things are not always going to go our way and that others may be more suited, or more able than us at something, is a powerful tool to have in our kit bag. Is it not much more powerful for our children to hear that we are proud of them for giving it a go – that it took real courage. That there will be other opportunities for trying other things. That they can be grateful for the experience. That by this knocking them down but them getting back up, they are learning first hand what it takes to be resilient. All of the above, allows for our children to, in turn, be pleased and celebrate the success of others, to be excited about giving things a go regardless of the outcome, to accept that we have both strengths and weaknesses and to be able to move on positively from the experience.
In brief, therefore, introducing re-framing from an early age can be one way in which children learn to avoid turning a stressful or upsetting event into a major trauma and instead view it as a challenge to be overcome and a learning opportunity. Re-framing starts the process of looking at things in ways that create less stress and instead promote a greater sense of peace and control.