Siblings – “Why can’t they just get on?” …….
Just so you know, this is one of the most common reasons for parents coming along to see us at The Parent Collaborative. If you think you are the only one dealing with arguing siblings, think again!
When a much longed for second, (third, fourth or more!) child arrives on the scene, it is understandable that we, as parents, anticipate our children playing happily alongside one another and being great mates. However, this is to deny the far more likely scenario, that our children may have totally different temperaments and just may not get on that well. Our children don’t get a choice, as they do with their peers, in who their siblings are, or whether they want their siblings to play a part in their life – they are, whether they like it or not, there to stay!
Looking at it from this perspective, however, allows us insight and understanding. Simply telling our children or wanting our children to “get on” is not going to work. This is where the family set up becomes a key player, as, if the environment is one that has been set up for success, it will support our children and give them the best chance of becoming lifelong allies.
So – in short – what does an environment “set up for success” look like? Well – it starts with us, as parents. Understanding ourselves and being emotionally regulated starts the process – even before children are on the scene! Deciding on the type of parent we want to be and what we need to do to allow this to happen, now takes on a new importance. What is our framework going to look like – with boundaries, limits, structure and routine? We need to look at our framework as being “preventative maintenance”. As for any new venture we need to take in knowledge, have understanding and accept we need support. There are some basics – loving our children unconditionally being the starting point. Then there’s accepting our children for who they are and treating them as individuals rather than trying to parent them equally. Building on the foundations of love and acceptance, come trust and connection. There isn’t room here for the ways of putting all this into place – but it comes down to us and the relationships we build with each of our children.
As we always tell parents, there is no one, single, perfect way to parent. We all bring different strengths to the game of parenting. What our children need to flourish as siblings is the right environment paired with us as parents, being there to “coach” our children. Coaching, encouraging and modelling behaviour help to instil a sense of fairness, self-confidence and belief that resolution can be found through dialogue and respect for the other person. Siblings who encounter conflict (and they all do!) and who are coached to problem solve and take responsibility, can learn the all-important life skill, and power, of knowing that conflict when resolved, is a positive way of moving things forward, as well as something that is within their capacity to do. Wouldn’t we all love someone like that on our team!
At The Parent Collaborative, we know how tough the parenting gig is – we’ve been there and seen it first hand as well as being on another side of the fence, as teachers. If you are keen to find out ways of building in more calm and less stress into your family dynamic, please get in touch – we’d love to hear from you.