Choices and consequences for young children
Offering our children choices and allowing them to take ownership and responsibility for those choices from an early age, is one of the most powerful gifts we can give to our children. Making choices is intrinsically tied up with self-belief, confidence, resilience and life skills such as problem solving. In addition choices help to develop the ability to learn how to think, rather than what to think.
Giving children choice can start from a very young age. The key to success with young children is giving them a limited choice to start off with. A child does not have to be talking, in order to communicate their preference
“Would you like to wear the red hat or the blue hat?”
As children develop and grow, choices need to be broader. The key to success now hangs on the choice being both appropriate and acceptable. It is not appropriate to give them choices for example such as allowing them to hurt someone else or putting themselves in a dangerous situation. Acceptable is theconcept of us, as adults, being prepared to accept any of the options that are on the table. If we offer, for example, the option of a child wearing dirty clothes to go out, we can’t suddenly change our minds because we suddenly worry what somebody else may think.
“Please choose to put your clothes in the dirty washing basket or wear them dirty.”
The more “buy-in” children are given, the more acceptable choices are for children. If as adults we don’t wish our children to play in a particular room in the house for example, children need to know what will happen if they choose to ignore this boundary. If we can have got them, in advance, to work out what is a fair solution if they do choose to take this route, children will accept the outcome more readily. It gets them to buy into responsibility, accountability and shared decision making.
Consequences of choices are a part of the learning process. Natural consequences mean children learn without the need for adult intervention. An example may be that adults allow a child to play in the rain – if children do this, they learn they will get wet. As adults we may sometimes find this hard to do – but if we allow this process, children learn for themselves. This allows in time for children to learn that not only do we trust them to make good decisions, but just as importantly, they learn to trust themselves to make these decisions.
Logical consequences allow for children to experience and accept responsibility for what happens as the result of making a choice – often learning most from making a poor choice! When children make a choice which doesn’t pan out as they intended, they need to know that they won’t be met with ridicule and scorn and that they can try again. Supporting them alongside, enables our children to see how and what could have been done differently, so that they learn for the future. Key to logical consequences is responsibility. Given the appropriate support, children quickly learn that making choices is an opportunity which entails accepting responsibility. The consequence of not accepting responsibility is to lose the opportunity (for as long as has been pre-agreed!) Focusing on solutions and problem solving is the way to resolving things as amicably as possible.
By allowing choice, we as parents are empowering our children to be problem solvers, to trust in their decisions, to know that making mistakes is a powerful learning tool. Permitting children to be part of the decision making in the household encourages strong and respectful relationships. A natural by-product of allowing choice from an early age is much less conflict within the home – is there a downside?!