Why comparison really is the thief of joy when it comes to children

I think most of us at some point remember the frustration of hearing ourselves be compared to a sibling as in “Your brother didn’t behave like this”, or by a teacher as in “What don’t you understand, everyone else has got it”.  Of course comments like this aren’t necessarily blurted out with the intention of inflicting hurt, but being compared to someone else is unhelpful, whatever the intention!

The wonderful thing about each and every child is their uniqueness. As Oscar Wilde famously said

“Be yourself, everyone else is taken”

The flip side of comparison, is acceptance. When a child is accepted for who they are and for the individual skills and talents they bring to the word, it allows them to feel loved, secure and truly seen and heard. They can then concentrate on the task in hand, being a child!

As adults, we need to remember that each child has an individual timeline – they will learn at their own pace and reach “milestones” (which are guidelines rather than fixed in stone) at different times from other children. We must hold in mind that our child is not us. This seems so obvious and yet we can find ourselves comparing how we would do things to the way our children may do them - the way we would approach a situation or the fact that our child doesn’t share our love for the same things – as if there’s somehow only one way!  It’s ok if our child isn’t a bookworm despite the fact that we devour books, or that they show no interest in sport, despite the fact that we live and breathe it!  

Let’s give children time and space, rather than rushing and pushing them. It’s not a race - they will get there when they are ready – or they may not, and again that is fine!  Our expectations have to be realistic otherwise we are putting pressure not only on our children but also on ourselves. Putting unrealistic and/or unattainable expectations or pressure on our children can set them up to perceive that they are not good enough or that we expect more from them. Who would feel peaceful or content carrying those thoughts around with them?! This means we may also need to move away from people who encourage us to think in terms of parenting being a competition – it only leads one way and that is not a happy path to be on – for us, or for our children!

One of the best ways to help our children when it comes to putting comparison to one side, is to try our hardest to be “in the moment”  When we are fully present, it allows us to see our children where they are at, to observe all that they are learning and to celebrate their own individual journey.

Accepting our own talents and skills whilst being able to celebrate other people’s abilities and achievements helps children see that we all have something to bring to the table. It means they learn to understand that it’s not all about being the best at something in order to enjoy it or succeed at it.

There are many wonderful ways we can encourage our children. Thinking we will encourage them simply by comparing them to others will set us up against them. Our world needs different mindsets, different ways of problem solving, different skills and abilities and different attributes.

So let’s try to avoid comparing our children. Let’s try to accept them for who they are. Let’s try to love them with no conditions attached. Let’s try to remember that the relationship shouldn’t be dependent on them achieving success on our terms. We don’t think about comparing what the sun and moon bring to our world, they are both fundamental to its continued existence! Let’s try the same formula on our children.