Why listening is such an important part of the parent-child relationship
“You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time”
(M. Scott Peck)
Listening is at the heart of the relationship we have with our children. We are their North Star, their first teacher and they absorb how to listen and communicate from us. From the first moment that our child enters our world, we are trying to decipher the clues they are sending us. Initially this takes the form of us being attuned, and listening to their cries. As they get older, we need to be prepared to continue the detective work, and lean into listening and understanding what our children are telling us.
Little compares to the feeling of being heard and seen. This is as important for small children as it is for us as adults. Opportunities for us to listen to our children – to listen to understand, rather than to respond - present themselves to us on a daily basis. As soon as they are able to, we should be looking to include our children in as much “family chat” as possible. Every time we do this, we are giving them a voice and in so doing are making them part of our “team”. Discussions around the table, giving them choices, playing games where we all need to wait our turn, listening and respecting their opinions – all these are constant investments in the relationship we have with our children. On top of these everyday exchanges, it is worth remembering to set specific times aside to check in with our children – whether this is 15 minutes before we expect them to go to sleep, when they come home from school, or all sitting round for a family “meeting”. Our children know when we are really listening – when we are giving them our full attention. Distractions are put to one side – especially phones! When we listen, we show that this is what we are doing – looking at the person talking, and making appropriate signs that we are taking in what is being said. We wait until the person talking has finished before talking ourselves – we avoid interrupting. We can then acknowledge and validate what has been said, what our children are going through, and we can then look to problem solve with our children, if this is what they want to do.
From an emotion coaching point of view, as communication is turned on verbally, counter to what we may have imagined, the waters can sometimes feel muddier. Our understanding of what is going on may feel less intuitive, and perhaps more confused than before.
Suddenly we may find ourselves in the territory of our children seemingly saying “No” to everything, or more upsettingly, “I hate you”. This is where we need to harness the power of a pause.
A pause where we can Stop, Drop, Breathe and remind ourselves not to take what is being said personally. Contrary to what we may initially think, our children are not choosing to ignore us, or be rude! They are developmentally unable to access their rational brain or check their impulse control when their stress response is triggered. They are trying to get us to understand by means of their behaviour. This is where we have to be the adult and meet them with our rational brain switched on and in “calm” mode! We need to look beyond behaviour and ask:
“What’s going on for my child?”
When we adopt this as our go-to approach, it allows us to try to understand what our children are attempting to tell us and what they need from us in that instant. Our job is to help them empty their emotional backpack. We may not get it immediately, in which case behaviour is likely to escalate – remember - young children often do not have the capacity to be able to articulate what is going on for them. However, if we keep going – as patiently and calmly as we can – talking to them respectfully and gently – as we would do to an adult in distress, they will learn that we are there for them, we have their back and that we can help them to deal with whatever they are throwing our way. In so doing, they slowly learn the art of communicating and listening, and begin the journey of becoming emotionally literate!