Starting school – how can help our children with saying goodbye?

The first day of school is a big day for any parent.  Our children may well have had play dates away from us, stayed over with grandparents, or been at childcare from a very early age. Going to school though, seems like a much bigger step.

The first thing to acknowledge is that this is a two way street – for some parents, leaving their child at school is as much a worry as it may be for some children being left.  What we don’t see, if we are in this camp of parents, is that other parents may be going through exactly what we are - they are probably just better at hiding their feelings than us!  So, let’s remember to be kind to ourselves. Book in something for the first few mornings, so that we’re not just clock watching before we can rush to pick our children up!  If we’re off to work, let our work colleagues know what’s happening and if it feels appropriate, that we are feeling a bit wobbly.

Prior to the big day, we will have been talking to our child about starting school, they may well have had taster mornings in the setting, we will have driven past the school as well as walking the route.  Uniforms will have been tried on (if our children wear one) and clothes/wellies named and ready!  Books about starting school will have been read – now to see how this has helped!

Every child will react differently to school – some children may run in without a backward glance, others may cling to our legs, others may burst into tears – until we’re standing at the school door, we don’t know how our child is going to behave. What we do know is that they will look to us for their cues.  If we are modelling calm and reassurance, our child will pick up on this.  If we are sending the message that we believe that they have “got this” and that starting school is a positive step, our children will feel reassured.  Some parents worry when a child doesn’t greet a teacher at school – try not to worry about this – if they see us and other children saying hello or shaking hands, they will feel reassured and come to it in their own time!

For the child who suddenly finds everything overwhelming, we need to get down to their level, talk to them gently and reiterate what we will have gone through at home. Explain that we are going to leave, they are going to play, have a snack, meet other children, before we come back to collect them.  We need to remember not to make false promises to our children (such as telling them we’ll wait outside for them, or that we’ll be back in only a few minutes).  We can reassure them that we trust their teachers and the school and that we’ll be back to collect them later.  It can help the very tearful child to either have something special with them or something of ours whilst we are away.  Another idea is to have a hug button on our hands. (Draw a heart on your and your child’s hand, “charge it up” by holding hands and tell them that if they feel sad or miss you while at school to press the hug button and it will send them a hug - likewise, you can send your little one a big squeeze by touching the heart on your hand!) The theme of the wonderful book by Patrice Karst – The Invisible String – has this at its heart – that whilst we can’t see it, the bond of love runs deep and is always there, even if we are not actually together. 

Whilst it is tough to do, we need to remember not to hesitate or stay longer if a child is upset. We should leave as we said we would.  If we don’t do what we say we are going to, we can create confusion for our children when what they need is consistency and confidence that they are going to be ok.  It can help some children to have a routine that both the child and the adult go through before the adult leaves.  Whilst it may be tempting to make a dash for it whilst they are not looking, we would advise you not to do this as it can erode a child’s trust and self-confidence. 

One last hint – take a snack with you at pick up time – for some little people, this is a necessity before they are able to get on with the rest of their day!

Here’s to all you parents and children starting school this September – you’ve got this!